COL Cry Out Loud

I had a break down today. My “drive shaft” broke in two.

I tried to get to the shop before it came unglued and I barely made it but the mechanic wasn’t in. I was asked to leave my vehicle overnight until the help arrived, but I explained that I had to get to work, I didn’t want to jeopardize my job.

I had a breakdown today, I just couldn’t go on.

I tried to get to the clinic before they closed but the doctor wasn’t in.

They wanted to admit me into the hospital, just stay over night.

No I said I don’t want to be fired.

This was actually a couple of months ago. I got fired anyway. First time for everything. I shoulda stayed. .


Then and Now has been years now.

All of life is like a dream. When I was a child I feared the night time, closing my eyes to sleep because of the nightmares that made me to afraid to breathe.

Now, I go to sleep and dream of those that are no longer with us and so I long to dream.

In my dreams with different people, different scenarios, we are talking about what is presently going on in our life, my life.

I wish I could talk about it. I wish I had a “Buddy” to talk to. I wish I had a sister friend. I wish Marsha and Randy were here.

I wish I had a friend.

I have surmised that God wants me to be alone, without comfort, isolated, without a confidant. Thank God for my dogs, a car and my job.


I’ve never been so without words before without a song without a Beat without a melody I’ve never been so alone before dear Marsha I’m so sorry I’m so sorry burying my beloved brother, God how I wish that I hadn’t left you that night.

Sandra, my precious sister, dearly beloved. Dearly beloved. I used to think about when this life is over, I imagined that you would get to know every aspect, every view of everything you encountered or experienced in your life, I had hoped so that finally people would know, and see. I guess I wanted vindication or some sort of I don’t know.i just wanted everyone to see. Just because I never defended myself or blamed anyone or shared things I had done didn’t mean anything other than I couldn’t speak. For one, you don’t do things for recognition, you do to bless or help someone, mostly bless. I was taught very well to never point the finger at anyone and also if a man has only himself as a witness, he has no witness, it is better to not say a word.

God said that I would step into the ministry or rather do what I came to do when I was 53. Been it.

So my 53rd year on this planet began at my sister’s house and her dying. Judy… I there are no words for that woman. Why do I let her tell me what to do. When I saw Sandra, she had lost so much life in such a short time, she looked just like Mimmie, our grandmother.

I think I need to go to some kind of retreat with the Cherokee and get cleaned out for a few days.

Father,30 years ago I asked You to make me pliable. I believe your done that but I feel I have nothing in me to move forward.

Help me to get through this grieving process so I can lift my head again.

Overcoming the Barriers in MY Mind

Look for ways to live your dream

The things that have overcome you, let that be the ladder;

Let that- that Predator, that opposition -be the very mountain that 

YOU were meant to move————— for other people.

Don’t be the victim asking— “WHY”………

Be the Victor and say WHY NOT!

Screw those that said or will say , “You CAN’T”

Give your stamp of approval to those who encourage you and say you can.


I am tired, weary of being “weak”.

Of seeing circumstances that tie me down.

I am sick of allowing others dictate the time table to which I move.. No more waiting.

Go with me or get out of the way. .. ENOUGH! .. IT IS ENOUGH. .. I AM


The fact that so much crap, so much adversity, so many obstacles, have come against is the very proof 

that there is something life changing within me.

Screw the Giants, the Lions and the Bears.. God is on my side!

If I was created for something, then I have what it takes to do it.

All of this that has tried to hold me down has made me stronger and to even cast off

false religion and religious pride. 

I know not everything but everything I know rests on the One who does.

The one thing that I do know is that Jesus Christ of Nazareth is the Truth

and He said, and I believe it-

I don’t know when, I don’t know how;


So rise shine your light has come__________________

The opinions of others do not count. What counts is what does the Holy Spirit say and what do you think?

I tell you the truth, Jesus Christ Himself, The Son of the Living God, Son of the Almighty, The image of perfection, Love and Truth,

The solid and the Faithful——————–

He carried the whole world on His shoulders and against the multitude, against the religious majority—-

He moved and had Hi being, and if He had coward down- if He had hidden Himself in the shadows, the darkness, where would we be today? Where would I be now?

So to face the crowds of men that one day praise you and the next are yelling, “Crucify”, all because they are persuaded by the majority rule, been bought, or afraid of being counted as, “One of Them”…. crucified, not out of truth = out of fear— Fear is what crucified Him.

Is not this same fear present today, holding the hammer.

Who am I to think that I can wait in hopes of escaping persecution? Is not this same fear holding me in bondage to the opinions of man? Am I not hanging on a cross of opinion and truth, between heaven and earth, acceptance and rejection? In my silence am I not just like the Roman Soldier, a citizen, a soldier, carrying out his duty, carrying out the orders to to nail Him. People were afraid to support the Truth because they didn’t want to be called a heretic along with the others that testified that this man was the Son of God. They were afraid of Blaspheming the Name of God.

Do you not know that as much as I love God and desire to do His bidding I would not even tolerate an argument that questioned the scriptures. Do you realize that I spent years in Celibacy crying out to Gd to change me. Do you not know that I took the scriptures at face value, but to do that my whole life was a conflict. How can you live in accordance with the leading of the Holy Spirit and never cause any one to stumble or have an appearance of evil—–you have to be totally alone the rest of your life living in fear that you might mess up and cause someone to fall. I never wanted to bring dishonor to God or His Name or His Church. I would rather die than do this.

Yet, He tells me to Honor Him is to live and be who I am—How can I be who I am when the whole Christian world and a lot of secularists says that my very life is an abomination?

So I had to choose, follow God and the way of peace..

Or live in constant fear and a self made prison praying to die….

I choose Peace God and I accepted that I am exactly who He created me to be.. all of it.. I am His…. All of me.

I also realized that to accept this I had to disregard some theology and look deeper into the passages and question them. What I found was disturbing. I found that I had lived my entire existence based upon the presumption that the interpreters were led by the Spirit of God and did not take any liberties at interpreting.What I found was that I had been wrong and was one of the many voices in the past 30 years saying that it was wrong. Though my position was that you could be saved because our salvation does not depend on our works—- as a minister and one desiring to please God, I did not believe that you could possibly be gay, actively gay and minister and it not be a sin. And I was wrong.

I now both sides of the court, know the arguments, I’ve created a few, and I have been silent.

So now, to pick up my cross and follow Him has another meaning for me …  The cross between opinion and faith.. the cross between man or God, the cross between self preservation and someone else’s salvation… the cross between silence and speaking..

And when I live, or speak out loud, am I not just following my Savior? He said to love one another as He has loved us—He went to the cross– He died for us– it wasn’t for His benefit, it was for someone else—– it says that He despised the shame for the joy that was set before Him– the joy—– us no longer being separated from God, the Father— rendering us —-debt free—- Paul says for those who believe we owe nothing except to love.

I could go on living my life in Secret as others fall slain to the accusations and the bitterness of the religious majority; Or I could step out and step forward and say this is wrong– to accuse one another with passages of the bible that you do not understand; to judge a man without first having walked in his shoes; to hold the garments of those whilst they stone the followers to death.

Those people truly thought that they were doing God a favor, and all the while, the first Christians, followers of the way, only proclaimed the Truth!

So who am I to expect to proclaim the truth and not go through persecution.

Rage against the storm……..

Who am I to question God, why is it so hard. Who am I to hide the truth for the sake of protecting my reputation in the sight of men– Those that I seek approval from, will they be the One I stand before on Judgement day?

The ones who have lost their life over this issue, will their blood be on my head on Judgement day?

As Samson, having been enslaved by the enemy, His strength gone, the object of ridicule and jokes, no vision, his eyes gouged out, being used like a beast of walking in circles shacked to the grinding wheel—– how often he must have asked himself why didn’t he listen when he was warned, why did he let himself be seduced by delilah’s beauty. Going round in circles — the same ol grind, being laughed at for the fool he had been, captured– this judge of Israel.

Do You Really Believe That? Really

I heard a devout Christian say in defense of President Trump that he’s just a man just like King David which was accounted to him as a man after God’s own heart.

Really? You would compare those two? That makes me want to throw up as much as saying Jesus Christ and His followers were sexually intimate with one another.

I tell you what, I will tell you the things that I know are true of David that God would call him a man after His own heart and you tell me anything that compares, because, fellow Christians of all you have to compare with is the sexual side of David, we the bride really need to look inward and question our motives, our responsibilities, our character….. We need to question everything as to how do we personally compare with the Character of God.

David, when he was a boy was considered the least of his brothers.

He tended the sheep, he watched after the sheep, he protected the sheep with his life. He was willing to die to protect his father’s sheep.

While out in the fields he sang to God out of his own heart, making music before the Lord and inventing musical instruments.

He chose God.

He fasted before the Lord and He sought the Lord before he made any major decisions.

I heard one preacher say it was because he was quick to repent. He was but that didn’t make him a man after God’s own heart.

David sought God’s heart day and night, but that didn’t make him a man after God’s own heart.

When King Saul went to relieve himself and David had the opportunity to end it with Saul, but he didn’t because Saul, as far as David was concerned, was God’s anointed. David respected the covenants of God.

David was respectful.

All of these things are characteristics of God and are honorable. They should be characteristics of all God’s children, but none of these characteristics are what gave him the title of, “A man after God’s own heart.”

Our Father God, the Great Jehovah, looks upon His creation, His Children with great love. It is a love that as humans, you and I can not fathom. It is beyond our reach.

Everything He made He created for His joy, His delight. We were created out of love.

I was writing a story called, The Father’s Heart” and it was totally inspired by the Holy Spirit.

His Spirit gave me this reference;

2 Samuel 18….  If you back up a few chapters you will see the contempt, the cause, the murders, the betrayals…. You will see Absalom attempting to overthrow and take over David’s Kingdom.

There was war and in the last phase of battle, Joab convinced David not to go into battle with his men. King David gave this command and all heard it, “Do not harm the young man Absalom.”

As I read on I was struck to the core at what I saw.

One of David’s commander and chief took it upon himself to take Absalom’s life. There is a whole sermon in this alone. Joab took three daggers to kill him, then 10 of Joab’s men took a stab at him.

Bible gateway chapter 18;

33 The king was shaken. He went up to the room over the gateway and wept. As he went, he said: “O my son Absalom! My son, my son Absalom! If only I had died in stead of you—O Absalom, my son, my son!”[g]


He would have rather died himself that to have this judgement upon his son.

Also, no matter what Absalom had done, he still called him son.

….. Trump, really.

I know the scripture says to pray for those in charge, this is the best I can do.

Father, the world has chosen a godless man over You. Your Bride’s gown is filthy and tattered. Your righteous leaders are silenced and the evil one speaks. I pray dear God with all of my heart, show me what to do, tell me what to say.

In Jesus’s Name I pray that the anointing of forgiveness abound. I pray that Spirit of Repentance abound. I pray that the Spirits of Wisdom and knowledge increase as understanding spreads. I pray that the True Light shine and that your people who are called by Your Name will turn and Give You Praise. You are the manna, You O Lord are my daily Bread. You are the beginning and the end. All heaven and earth answers to You. May Your will be done on earth as it is in Heaven.

In Christ Jesus name I pray. So be it.


Lol: Lessons of Life

If you know me I thrive on helping people. If we were talking cars. When I see a need or hear distress, that is like turning the key, start the ignition. My Battery is  the gift of helps, my alternator turns by the acts of blessing someone, my boost is the smile, or sigh of relief.

One day many years ago I lived in Georgia, in a populated area. Near a grocery store and people often walked because our neighborhood was only 3 blocks away, but it was up hill going home.

I was new to the neighborhood and for several days I passed this very old lady walking in the direction of home.

She was hunched over, she had a large hump between her shoulders, she looked arthritic and she carried about 6 plastic bags of groceries.

After seeing her a couple of times, I wondered who was eating all of this food. Then I imagined some sorry grandkids sitting at home.

I passed her like this several times then one day I just couldn’t pass her by again without helping her. She was struggling to make it up the hill.

She was on the left shoulder of the road so I pulled closer to her with my window rolled down and said, “Can I help you?”

The old woman hunkered down and began shuffling those old feet a little more… You know, the Tim Conway shuffle.

She got ahead of me, I had a straight shift and was lingering with the clutch engaged. I thought, “She didn’t hear me.”

I put it in gear, got up beside her again, raising my voice a little louder. “Mam, can I help you?”

She never answered or even acknowledged my existence. I thought, maybe she is almost deaf and I’m scaring her pulling up to her. Soooo,

I pulled off of the road and walked up to her to explain. Talking VERY loudly, “Mam, I pass you almost every day carrying that load, I am your neighbor, I lie just past you, can I help you with your groceries.”

Never looking up at me she screeched, “LEAVE ME ALONE!”

I was kind of shocked, but I left her alone, I never stopped to help her again.

Just to prove my point about going out of my way to get to help someone. THIS WAS BAD. I am so glad I didn’t succeed.

I was driving up Jefferson Street, there are a lot of old houses on one side of the road and newer industrial sites on the other, houses beyond that.

This could be a cartoon.

It’s a three lane strip of road with easements on both sides.

Ahead of me, on the left sidewalk, I see this obese man in an electric wheelchair scooter thing. This is what I think I am seeing.

He has his dog trotting beside him and these other three mixed dogs come out and are starting a fight with his dog. I see the old man taking a swipe at them with a walking stick that he has.

The old man then goes out into the street and is riding in the middle, in the turn lane. His dog is being diverted by the pack dogs. He has been separated from the old man.

The old man completely crosses the highway and is going up Kellem Rd. There weren’t any cars there.

I follow thinking, he’s worried about his dog, I know I was.

These were my thoughts.  I’ll get the dog and bring it to him and put him out safely beside him. Lol…

So …. Here I go .. I follow the man, he speeds up. I’m wanting to get beside him to ask him what the dog’s name is.

He speeds up more, finally I toot the horn, he turns around. We speak.

This is what happened:

That was not his dog he just started tagging along until the others started being aggressive towards him. He swung at the dog’s because they were getting too close.

Can you imagine me wrestling that dog into the truck, chasing that old black man, (I’m white) to give him his dog that he was trying to get away from?

So today, …. Do you see the post, “This is For You”

I did what it said and wrote the address to that same post.

It was not welcomed. I don’t know if she even smelled the “Rose.” I don’t think she even touched it until she gave it back to me.

She has no idea what was behind it, she never read the message, but it doesn’t matter because it wasn’t received. It was not a blessing.

God uses my personal experiences to show me something.

The first scenario…. Is a picture of God wanting to help but we are so independent and afraid that without realizing it in our self will we are shouting at Him, to leave us alone.

The second scenario is to remind me that just because I think I see what’s going on and all I’m trying to do is help, to remember this day, because I could be chasing someone down to give them something that they don’t want.

Third scenario; Many teaching points in this one.

A. A thing should be done when I think of it and not wait because the affect may take on a different aroma.

B. Be aware that God may be trying to gift you something and you do  not recognize it.

C. See: God is still using you to give messages even when you don’t know it.

Depart from fear, anxiety and depression.  I have come a very long way, I passed this test even if I didn’t come out smelling like a rose.

There is also something very deep and profound about the Rose, the story, the glass.

The Rose came from a rose bush that is all that remains of my mom’s flower garden. The area is way overgrown with Farrell bushes and I had forgotten about the Rose bush that had been there. I saw only one thorny stem that had made its way through the choker vines and grew up to produce this beautiful flower. When I saw it, it reminded me of mom and it was like she was saying, that even after she’s been long gone, her efforts are still producing fruit.

After mom left, I pretty much relied on Marsha to give me that outlet to share and bless as mom did, she would have either looked at it as to say, why are you giving me a cup of rose petals? I could have shared with her where they came from, and she would have found the beauty in that. Or she would have been taken with the simplicity, beauty and fragrance. She would have said that’s so pretty, and taken it and smelled deeply and said, “that smells so good, where did ya get that Tam.?”  And I would have told her as she enjoyed a bonbon.

The thing is, that’s a pretty hefty load to ask of someone. I may be feeling nostalgic, lonesome, sad, grieved hurt even, but I can’t silently hope that someone will help make the pain go away. No one could laugh like Mamma or Marsha. No one. No one could appreciate or be thrilled with my concoctions or ingenuity like my mom was.😂 And no one was as beautiful as Marsha. When I was coming up, I wanted to be where she was and later after she married Randy, who was the only person ever to have tucked me in and kiss me goodnight, I would make things for her.

I just miss them and Sandra and Randy.

But to try and do what I was trying to do would be unfair to anyone and hurt again in the end.

There was a God lessen in that too.

All of my life He has chastised me over the fear of man.

That day, I stood up. That day I stood. Silently, listening, seeing. I stood.

No regret for I did what I felt I should have. I understand, not knowing the reason, why it would have looked weird. I didn’t plan on her not knowing what was behind it all. But I did what I felt I should do.

God can give us blessings on every corner at every turn, but we may reject it before we even know what is inside.

We think we see, we think we know, and we immediately reject what we think “it” is.

The whole time God just wants to bless us.


This is for You

I had watched as one single bud formed and come to bloom. Deep, Rich, Red Rose. Everytime I passed it, I thought of giving it to you.

It fully blossomed perfect, wide open Rose petals. I thought that it was a shame for this beauty to go unnoticed, the aroma not blessing anyone. Again, I thought to myself that I should give it to you, a mutual blessing. It blesses God to bless you.

Then one morning, I saw a couple of petals on the ground floor. I thought, I’ve waited too long. I know, I will find the perfect box covered in deep Rich colors and place the petals in the box. Three days I looked, there was nothing even close to what I imagined.

So, I saw this wine glass… By this time the Rose petals had fallen.  You can see this clearly through the untainted glass.

I took a couple of bonbons to sweeten the palate and I hoped that the petals still had a good fragrance. See, I have no sense of smell, the beautiful aroma is lost on me, I rely on others to tell me by their expressions.

I just wanted to bless you.

In this scenario I was seeing a powerful truth.

If I wait too long with the best intentions, the fruit may die on the vine, it may just fall apart.

We tend to look for the perfect box to place things in. But sometimes what is being given to us, is not what we’ve imagined. Some things just do not fit in a box.