sad

Since no one knows who I am I can say anything that I want and be truthful about it and not care what someone might think of me or the domino effect it might have so here it goes.

I went to church today hoping to find others like me.

There was nothing wrong with the church, but I left feeling empty and sad.

I just knew that God would hook me up with some fellow sojourners of truth.

I have a problem with sadness, loneliness and just plain out not being able to share with anyone– just being alone. 

I have recently lost my partner, my dog, my plans for the future all in one month and I do not have anyone to turn to.

I can’t call her and tell her that I feel so betrayed, broken, devastated, blindsighted and worthless after a commitment ceremony– pledging a lifetime together in God with one another.

After telling me she would keep me, after saying this was so unbelievable to be this happy, in love, at peace, “silky peace” she calls it. God had brought us together– beyond our understanding and comprehension of it all. To know that God had called us together to this work of spreading God’s love to others and sharing His miracle of Grace and Truth and yes this is of God. We had never felt so close to God and at the same time one another– so deep== so deep in love.

We split, not because of belief, not because of a bad relationship but because she at 63 yrs old could not allow her circle of friends and family know what an intimate relationship we had. It was fine as long as I worked out of town, we had plans– we would go into the antique business and flipping houses. We would also spread God’s love and share our story because it was the most remarkable beautiful love story never told. 

I had just bought a truck and a 20 foot cargo trailer to haul stuff– neither had a tag yet. 2 dogs and a plan for the next 6 mos… I had a job in NY– where I am now..she would stay at the house where all of her stuff is and mine– we would make it our home, my niece would stay there to take care of the dogs so Victoria wouldn’t feel tied down or be alone. 

We pull up into the yard, she says that she is going to her brothers in another state for a few days…. calls me 4 days later to tell me its over she can’t do it- live two lives, but she couldn’t tell her kids so that means– I’m out and ……………………………………..

 

I am devastated. My dog died. I’m sending my niece money — I’m broke until the company snail mails my paycheck to the bank— I’m hurt, I’m lonely, and since you can’t find me I will say exactly how I feel…. I wish that I could take a knife and cut my heart and guts out because that would feel better than this.

I don’t think I have enough nerve pills until I get home– when they start wearing off– I go off on the deep end– which is where I am now– I have another 45 minutes before I can take one. Even at that I am taking four a day and not three— I think I took six on the day that my dog died.

But Victoria, she expects me to just be able to talk to her like nothing has happened– which makes me feel like trash. I left a life of celibacy to be with her– only her– to throw that away, not only crushes me to the soul but also makes it into an affair which I told her I would not have, I would only be in a committed relationship—–She made me a  whore. That’s how I feel.

Then I turn to God knowing everything is relevant– So is that how His Bride treats Him?

As soon as there is an issue involved that might make us lose face– do we turn our backs on Him, knowing He loves us anyway and understands,, but do we crush Him when He asks us to be so in love with Him that nothing else matters. Public opinion doesn’t matter. Can we say in the face of a crowd this is what I believe and this is the relationship I have with my God- or do we turn and run away because we can not bear the faces of men?

We who are Christians, do we really love Him so that if our family kicked us out or burned us at the stake—- are we so in love with Him that we have revolutionary LOve like Jesus.

In third world countries today– people are daily risking their lives because they live in non Christian cultures. Automatically I think of a young man I met on train named David from Jordan. He had converted to Christianity. He left his home before they killed him. It was well known mothers would poison their own children. I do not remember, it was so long ago , if he had been warned or if he just generally feared for his life, but he left and found his way to America where I met him on a train going to Philadelphia- to NY.

God often lets me go through things to let me get a small glimpse of how He feels. He is hurting, because His people who are called by His name has turned their very back on the love of God for the love of the Law and the approval of man.

He is hurting because of the cries in the street, that are seldom heard because we, I, choose to shut our eyes to the injustices because there are so many.

He is hurting for every child, woman, boy or girl who feels they have no way out.

He is Hurting because we take our institutions and build them with pride and ivory, while the beggar goes hungry on the street.

He is hurting because it is easier to close our eyes and keep our mouth shut than to become a target of ridicule for standing up against the tide of humanity and saying what right and pointing out what’s wrong.

He is hurting because mainstream Christianity has given Him a Bad name.

His Name is Love— and everything you do should be motivated by love.

If you are motivated by fear— guess what—- you are following the voice of darkness, confusion, rage.

Follow Peace my Friend, love everybody– you know the only people Jesus raged against were the religious leaders because they had made a mockery out of God’s will and turned it into such a burden no one could carry.

Our biggest task on this earth is to share the love of God which has been birthed in us. 

A friend of mine that had turned his 17 yr old daughter out because of a relationship she was having. I told him that I was glad that God’s love was unconditional. He said what does love look like…… too late I heard it in a song… what does love look like? He opened His arms and died.

Love is self sacrificing it doesn’t keep a record of wrongs.

I was in a lady’s Christian meeting one time and a child prophetess walked up to me and whispered into my ear— “God wants you to know that you have not failed Him yet.”

I sat down and thought,”How sweet for her to say that– if she only knew the life I lived before.”

Then God spoke to me. “When, when did you fail?” 

And I realized, “He doesn’t remember, as far as the east is to the west so have I cast your sins far from me.”  He doesn’t remember. I wept. He is so good.

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4 comments on “sad

  1. It appears that you and I share the same brokenness and love the same Redeemer. I will be happy to follow your blog to help me remember I’m not alone. Thank you for sharing.

    • ISAIAH 46 : 10
      I’ve tried posting to you so many times maybe this time..
      I am glad that you responded.. I’ve read some of your blogs..would love to share..but I sort of have alot of sadness going on.
      its good to meet a friend.

      • I read about your loss and I understand how that feels. I also know that God uses times like these to draw us even more tightly to Himself. When we have no strength and come to the end of who we are and what we do, that is the very moment He speaks to our desperation and lonliness. Allow yourself to feel your pain and talk to Jesus about it. He will not judge you! He has already been judged in our place. Feel the freedom in that and when you are ready, you will start to live again. Let me know how I can pray for you.

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