yesterday was my birthday…. though I know she has broken up with me she said she would be the bestfriend– not that I could handle that either— she didn’t call– I spent the day in the hospital because my BP 174 /102 and they were running a bunch of tests on me. Does she care?

They found an anurism in my heart–(evidently that is not the correct spelling).

It just makes the heart break feel alot worse.

I do want to kill myself today– I am tired– there is no one– I am tired.

I went to facebook my lover– she of course has taken down all contact– but she’ll be my best friend.

I want her to hurt as I hurt  and feel what I feel— because I am realizing—– she never did.

I want her to hurt…. the only way she could hurt was if this whole thing was exposed.

She doesn’t understand that ignoring doesn’t help the situation– it increases the velocity of the ill will— I have done everything for her.

My heart hurts and I am really tired of hurting– she said that she cared, that she loved me like she had never loved anyone before. She told me that for first time she felt alive and felt so much peace and love and joy….

And for the first time in my entire life I was happy to be alive.

I’m not happy anymore.

I just don’t want to be here anymore.

Somewhere in the Bible it says that one who has done you wrong or taken something from you has to pay fourfold— Vengeance is the Lord’s so I ask dear God make her pay four fold– make her pay.



2 comments on “suicidal

  1. okay, I am commenting to my own post… sorry about that– they’ve doubled my bp med.
    As long as I am able to keep my blood pressure down it is more bearable– I believe once they find out more about the heart condition, and work on that, keep my BP down— I think dealing with everything else will be less intense. Perhaps– I hope– I can find my peace again.

  2. I found your through your link on Sacred Tension! You must know you are loved and that there are many Christians called by God to let you know what a precious child of God you are. Please listen to your blog mother from Sacred Tension and take care… and keep blogging. You are needed on this Earth for a beautiful purpose… this bog may be a part of that. Hang on fragile soul… bless you.

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