well I have resorted to alcohol

but hey– I feel better– let the truth ring out.

I never felt so close to God as I did when I nothing left but His Mercy and His Grace to hang on to.

I, when trying to be a good little Christian, accepted by the general folk at holiness chapel at large– felt so boxed in, controlled, not myself, trying to walk this tight wire that if I slipped, I was damned for all eternity— while going to Bible college, I was trying so hard to do everything right– I did not want to dishonor God’s name– I wanted to please Him in everyway– including my thoughts.

I could not get a handle on this two kinds of righteousness by E.W Kenyon—- how we are righteous just by being in Him…

I couldn’t understand how I felt more save d when I was in the bars doing the bar scene– drugs, alcohol– the whole 9 yds—- I knew that I was saved, not that I was living according to His will , but by grace I was saved. I remember being in the bars and God giving me a word for people drinking beside me as I was taking shots of JD==== saying— “I don’t know who you are or where you come from and I am not the living according to His will but The Lord wants me to tell you this, ” It doesn’t matter what you have done or think or what the world says about you, God loves you— and wants you to know that– He would move Heaven and earth to be with you and there is nothing you can do to make Him not love you– He’s just like that– fact He loves you so much He walked through hell for you, died for you , but don’t be sad He rose again to prove that He is who HE SAYS HE IS — HE IS THE SON OF GOD AND HE LOVES YOU—- DON’T LET ANYBODY TELL YOU DIFFERENT.”

I remember slamming down the shot and walking off.

so=== I in my nice little conservative shell/cell   …asked God, Why is it I felt more saved then than I do now– he replied — Galatians

Galatians 3

New International Version (NIV)

Faith or Works of the Law

3 You foolish Galatians! Who has bewitched you? Before your very eyes Jesus Christ was clearly portrayed as crucified.I would like to learn just one thing from you: Did you receive the Spirit by the works of the law, or by believing what you heard? Are you so foolish? After beginning by means of the Spirit, are you now trying to finish by means of the flesh?[a] Have you experienced[b] so much in vain—if it really was in vain? So again I ask, does God give you his Spirit and work miracles among you by the works of the law, or by your believing what you heard? So also Abraham “believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness.”[c]

But I was trying so hard to please Him, How could I please Him?

It is through faith, believing that He is we please Him– so I already have pleased Him– but that was too easy– I wasn’t brought up way– we must work for approval– we must work out our salvation, we must work—-to please Him

I just couldn’t get it— I knew the right answers– I could pass the test but I did not have a revelation of this righteousness in Jesus Christ so I asked God to give me one– and He did and I’ve got it.

I saw myself as He sees me, not through my eyes or the world’s eyes, His eyes. I was beautiful.

I was in white my hair was about shoulder length– everything was white kind of florescent with a hue of blue.

I was walking to this door– the door had a gold knob– I could see the brightest light coming from underneath the door– blinding light.. I walked to the door and turned the knob—- opening the door– I was enveloped by the light– I could not see my hand in front of my eyes everything was so bright– light- piercing– yet enjoyable.

As I walked into the room, which was square– I was enveloped with this fluid light of love, it was like it was liquid yet it flowed through me– I and the light and the love was one- I ceased to exist, but became a part of this light this love—-this existence– and all that was of this world faded away and I remember the liquid love, the joy, the peace, the joy– oh what joy, joy, joy ,joy, I was one with the Son, He is One with the Father, and in Him is LOve, Joy and Peace–nothing else exists— oh what joy—joy, joy, joy.  And I saw it — when we are in Him– this is what the Father sees– light of the Son’s Love– the Light of the Son Of God— and oh what Joy and Peace there is being in Him without restraint, without bars, freedom, freedom, freedom— love====pure love and this is joy which brings peace—- His righteousness—- we are in Him, and He is in in us –when we strive to attain perfection we are saying that God is not enough…. rest in Him and His perfecting Us — He is the One who counts all things Good.— For His Sake—– I am His and He is Mine — His Banner over me is Love— that is enough.


One comment on “well I have resorted to alcohol

  1. […] well I have resorted to alcohol. […]

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