The Courage to Come Out

I want to share myself so badly..but if my family and christian friends knew that I have changed my view and accepted myself for who I really am and accepted that it is from God..I would have to go through what I went through in my 20s…again.
AND although being celibate and loathing myself and praying to die because I felt that somehow I didnt honor God by not measuring up to the proper Christian standards…I was still never accepted in the local churc communities or implemented in any minsterial capacity ..locally because I put off that ” gay vibe”.
My walk, my strengths, my vulnerabilities, my love, my independence, my authority, my command of excellence, my mechanical and construction abilities, my drive, my passion…my willingness to fearlessly persue whatever God was leading me to do….
made those in leadership or those waiting in the wings …. uncomfortable and pointing out that I was still obviously gay and therefore unqualified.
But God has called me…commissioned me ..empowered me and equipped me..if I can just cast off this burden of fear of man..fear of rejection and all that my family put me through.
they are my family…I love them the most..but they have no problem casting me aside.
I chose celibacy to be accepted and prayed every day to die….but that is the way they like me…fearful..timid and weak.


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