This started out as a personal letter and then turned into a question to the church… repentance ..giving forgiveness asking forgiveness and a declaration… to know the inside story.. we were 2 women… living as married as much as possible, had a commitment ceremony .. rings all that…. beautiful love life, a wonderful time, but she was not out to her kids and friends and eventually the questions, criticism and ostracizing got the most of her. When faced with the thought of me being placed in a hospital waiting room with her family…. she left while I was at work 6 days before. Just the night before she had said that she would never leave me again, she was just afraid and we were together for life. I said, if you even think about it.. crosses your mind… will you let me know… I can’t stand being blind sighted like that… yes she says… but I’m not going anywhere.. I want you for the rest of my life she says.
The next day I came home fro. Work with a note… ” When I woke up this morning, I had no Idea that I was going to leave today….I love you with all of my heart…
I was in shock.. devastated and without a plan.
I was hurt, bewildered and angry.
I did go to the hospital.. I was with the family and after her surgery and all was good… her 30 something year old son started in on me and us that we should not be living together and she was not my responsibility and did not understand why I was planning my life around her…”You aren’t married.” He said.. I was keeping my lips pressed together… I knew that she didn’t want anyone to know… but just the night before she left we were talking about making it legal in Virginia so that she could get my pension if something happened to me. She is 65 …. and that as she got older, if they tried to” do what was best for her” .. only then we old I show them the marriage license.
You aren’t married he says…
If he only knew… the love, the desire, the commitment between us.
She left because her children would not stop ridiculing her and the thought of the terror she would endure if her church family knew.
Did you plan on doing this Christmas?
When did you start planning tbis.
I can’t for the life of me comprehend how someone can claim to have such a deep, wonderful love and then do the very thing that they said they would not do.
This is the second time we made a lifetime commitment to one another and God..
It meant nothing?
Is anything of any value that comes out of your mouth?
The Lord says to forgive you… I asked Him would He get you for me… I am human… I am hurt, bewildered, caught off guard, I believed you, trusted you, and I want you to feel what I feel.
I do not understand how you can say that you did not mean to hurt me when just the night before I asked you if it ever crossed your mind to leave that you would let me know. I told you that being blind sighted like that was what was so devastating. That isn’t love, that isn’t consideration that isn’t concern.
That isn’t love.
.love believes all things, hopes, cares, puts the other ahead of your own self, self sacrificing, happy when you are happy, sad when you are sad.
Your MO seems to be to play things out until the money runs out. We all most had it made.
I thought that I could read people. I question that now. Twice you pulled me in, I devoted my life to you.. twice ..
I thought you meant it when you said the same… that we would spend our lives together.
Everything I planned was based on your needs, your wants, your desires, my hopes.
Our love and desire to be together and have a life together in ministry, in realestate, flipping houses, and helping people.
I only went in the directions that you looked in.
I get angry because you don’t call and talk to me and I think what a fool I have been… twice..
Shame on me… fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.
I go from distraught, pain, hurt, anger, disdain, regret, love, pain, hurt, anger, disdain, regret, love, hurt, etc.
I don’t want to hate you.
I don’t want to hate you.
Today’s daily bread says to forgive.
It’s hard. It is so hard.
Yet Christ said forgive 70 times 7. You have to be God to do this.
You know in the beginning, after you baptized me, I had a vision of you in a bride’s dress. I took that to mean that to mean that you were a symbol of the Bride of Christ. ( The Church, The Body)
Later in a prayer circle you prophesied that I was wearing a white long tail tux… it sounded to me like a groom’s tux… I didn’t say anything… but mused how correctly you saw for to me it was a symbol of the priesthood. A symbol of Christ. .. relating to my call to prepare the body for the Lord’s return.
Months later as you kept saying that it, your love for me was a pure love and I tried closing the door on you grieving that you even felt the need to tell me this and thinking this is the end to beautiful friendship. Inside I was pushing you away… you called me on your way home, sobbing saying not to take my friendship from you. That you loved me and enjoyed being around me.
And in time as we planned for you to move in with me and us minister together after you had retired… our plans became more detailed and exciting.
And in time as our love deepened and you kept saying to trust you, God had brought us together and He has our Back.
This is God.
After months of seeking God on this and all answers were the same… to love you, bring you to Him, He had ordained our union… trust Him.
So after months of trying Him on tbis, I gave up resisting what I was hearing and seeing and asked for one last sign.. and you know what that was and we both agree…. that that was loud and clear… coming from you.
And I accepted that this was God and never looked back.
But for me I had to have a lifetime commitment, it couldn’t be a passing thing. I have to have a plan. And I wanted to know that you were as committed to me as I am you.
For this too is the Law of Chtist.
See Christ Gave Himself….. and He asks that we give ourselves.. to be faithful…. He died for us… we ought to live for Him.
Sometimes, like in the early Christians, this did not look good on them to be associated as a follower of the way, they called it. To be a friend of Christ is to be an enemy of the world.
Jews that had turned to Jesus, we’re Criticized as heretics. Gentiles who believed and became followers were ostracized by natural Jews because Jews did not believe that non Jews could be saved.
Then you had the mainstream Pharisees, rulers of synagogues. .. denouncing all of them and the world watching to see what everyone would do with this Jesus.
So then I come back to you and me and how on earth does this relate to the Church and Christ?
Could it be in this scenario that the Church will follow Christ as long as it looks good and we are not asked to stand against the tide.
Can we as Christians personally say that whatever Christ asks me to do even if it doesn’t fair well with my reputation, I will follow Him.
Can we honestly say that if our relationship with Him sometimes asks us to believe that He has our backs and will not let us starve that we will follow Him even if it means that in the natural we do not know how financially we will make it but we follow Him and obey Him and trust Him anyway. Doing the best, the most we can, with what we have using the wisdom that God gave us.
Can we honestly say, what’s mine is yours, our lives are one.
So when humanity and the rulers of the synagogue mocks you, berates you, questions you, doubts you.. Can you honestly say that you stand with Christ.
Can we be honestly honest?
Are we all in?
So question. If Christ is saying to the Church at large, the gay community, much like the gentile community of 2030 years ago, is as much as the plan for the Kingdom of Heaven as anyone else, that if He’s saying they are mine, I am theirs for whosoever will.
…. not adding to it…. whosoever will believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and accept that His sacrifice and death was enough payment…. will confess before men… that He is Lord,
That person, regardless of their natural heritage, the clothes they wear, the piercings, the hair, the food they eat, where they are from, the color of their skin, the language they speak,
Their position in society, their financial status, who they love…. they are supernatural born children of God.
Today, the church is going through transition, much like the reformation in Martin Luther’s time.
I thank God for men like this. Men and women who would stand in the face of time and say… this is the way…. people who being opposed by society, family, government. .. the world at large and truly ask God.. what is thy will o Lord, that I may walk in the light of thy path.
Tossing aside what had been handed down for thousands of years to follow the truth that burned in their hearts.
Years ago I found that my beliefs were based upon what people told me. When I questioned certain things in the church and certain people, I was told that I had a devil in me. Me, a 4 year old. What I had was spiritual discernment. Because these people were older and leaders in the church I thought that they must be right and it was evil of me to even question such “Holy” men and women of God.
Actually as time would tell.. years would pass… one is in prison for murdering his mistress, the other was having an affair with the piano player, (he was also a child molester, our pastor) and the other that claimed I had a devil as she poured hot oil (heated on the stove) into my ear that was so infected that it was crusted red and we we were in the mountains.. going on the Chattanooga Choo Choo up the mountain, I had been crying all of the way in pain.. got to the evangelist’s house saying that she would heal me put me on a table and poured that burning oil in my right ear… I screamed and fought while they held me down.
She spoke in tongues and command the devil out of me… and because I wasn’t healed… she said that I was possessed and couldn’t be healed because I was holding on to it… she died with Alzheimers.
What I am getting at is
Are we married to Christ, dedicated, devoted, committed to Him and His love and His direction and His plans, or have we fooled ourselves and society, looking the part but only to the extent that it doesn’t harm our reputation.
Only to the extent that it doesn’t cost us anything.
Only to the extent that we get to lead the dance.
We like to look good don’t we.
Christ is looking for a Church that is not Shallow. A wife that truly acts on His behalf and is truly united to Him in the face of the storm.
Our salvation is based on being United with him,
Not some civic club, denomination or school of thought.
Allowing His spirit to work in us, through us. To do that, we’ve got to let go of the reigns and trust Him to know what He’s doing and Trust His love for us that He plans good and not evil. And through it all we will grow in Grace and Love and in doing this we will be adding to the Kingdom as Christ is Shown Bright through our lives.
So I ask Christ to forgive me for all of the times that I shrank back from making a statement in fear of man, in fear of ridicule. I ask forgiveness for contributing to a society that is anti- gay and has caused many to commit suicide and many more to turn away from the faith. I ask forgiveness Lord.
I ask forgiveness for asking God to take my gifting away from me and I declare that if He awakens them again, I shall use them for His Glory. And I declare according to His Word within me I shall speak whatsoever He tells me to speak… Dear God direct me that I may never again fear the faces of men… but I shall do and speak accordingly to Your Will and manifestation of the Holy Ghost. I ASK FOR WISDOM, COURAGE, CLARITY AND STRENGTH… to declare Your Word and Your Acts.
And I forgive D.T.A. and all those who have harmed me in the name of the Lord or self preservation… forgive me now also and help me to let them all go according to their will and faith.
In Jesus Name, The son of God,