I’m Scared

I’ve been out of work for a month now, I wasn’t making ends meet as it was. I have PTSD, severe, complex and severe anxiety.. which, it all goes together. I now owe three months on my truck, my house payment is due, the light bill is late, the internet bill is late, my Aussies need their monthly medication, and so do I. My anti anxiety medicine, I have one more day on it.. then it will be the zoloft, the wellbutrin which are anti depressants and my two blood pressure medicines, complicated my an upper aorta aneurysm. Last time it was checked was at 4.4 … 2 years ago.. I owe them too, cant afford it.

My arm and back and neck hurts, stress related muscle spasms. I know that my God is bigger than all of this. But I just wanted to tell anyone that might be listening… I am shaking, and I am scared.

I am so talented, gifted and skilled, yet I can not seem to get a job that will pay my bills. I can’t seem to find anyone that will move in with me and it be a platonic relationship. Someone who will help with the bills, not take away from my resources. I thought of posting a video on you tube about the causes of my post traumatic stress, and how it has effected me my entire life. it would be a 12 hour documentary about child abuse, neglect, cruelty, rejection and molestation. Murder, cover up, and something that goes into this slot that I can’t even begin to put a word for. then the years following, each traumatic experience compounded by the ones before adding to the feelings of insignificance and not wanting to be on this planet. People are cruel.that’s just the first 14 years of my life.

This helped. I’m not hurting as bad, or shaking as bad and lo and behold, the sun has even started to come out.

I was told by a prophet that everything that I went thru as a child will be used to help other children. God help me, so I can help them. I have been holding on all of these years for that purpose. I really don’t know how this will end. Maybe I should go take a bath and begin to tell my story—- to the world.

Tammy Ricks… that’s why I don’t like that name, it has a record, a history, a background, family, people.

Jamie Peters owes no one anything and she can be who she is without voices in her past invading her future.


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