Lol: Lessons of Life

If you know me I thrive on helping people. If we were talking cars. When I see a need or hear distress, that is like turning the key, start the ignition. My Battery is  the gift of helps, my alternator turns by the acts of blessing someone, my boost is the smile, or sigh of relief.

One day many years ago I lived in Georgia, in a populated area. Near a grocery store and people often walked because our neighborhood was only 3 blocks away, but it was up hill going home.

I was new to the neighborhood and for several days I passed this very old lady walking in the direction of home.

She was hunched over, she had a large hump between her shoulders, she looked arthritic and she carried about 6 plastic bags of groceries.

After seeing her a couple of times, I wondered who was eating all of this food. Then I imagined some sorry grandkids sitting at home.

I passed her like this several times then one day I just couldn’t pass her by again without helping her. She was struggling to make it up the hill.

She was on the left shoulder of the road so I pulled closer to her with my window rolled down and said, “Can I help you?”

The old woman hunkered down and began shuffling those old feet a little more… You know, the Tim Conway shuffle.

She got ahead of me, I had a straight shift and was lingering with the clutch engaged. I thought, “She didn’t hear me.”

I put it in gear, got up beside her again, raising my voice a little louder. “Mam, can I help you?”

She never answered or even acknowledged my existence. I thought, maybe she is almost deaf and I’m scaring her pulling up to her. Soooo,

I pulled off of the road and walked up to her to explain. Talking VERY loudly, “Mam, I pass you almost every day carrying that load, I am your neighbor, I lie just past you, can I help you with your groceries.”

Never looking up at me she screeched, “LEAVE ME ALONE!”

I was kind of shocked, but I left her alone, I never stopped to help her again.

Just to prove my point about going out of my way to get to help someone. THIS WAS BAD. I am so glad I didn’t succeed.

I was driving up Jefferson Street, there are a lot of old houses on one side of the road and newer industrial sites on the other, houses beyond that.

This could be a cartoon.

It’s a three lane strip of road with easements on both sides.

Ahead of me, on the left sidewalk, I see this obese man in an electric wheelchair scooter thing. This is what I think I am seeing.

He has his dog trotting beside him and these other three mixed dogs come out and are starting a fight with his dog. I see the old man taking a swipe at them with a walking stick that he has.

The old man then goes out into the street and is riding in the middle, in the turn lane. His dog is being diverted by the pack dogs. He has been separated from the old man.

The old man completely crosses the highway and is going up Kellem Rd. There weren’t any cars there.

I follow thinking, he’s worried about his dog, I know I was.

These were my thoughts.  I’ll get the dog and bring it to him and put him out safely beside him. Lol…

So …. Here I go .. I follow the man, he speeds up. I’m wanting to get beside him to ask him what the dog’s name is.

He speeds up more, finally I toot the horn, he turns around. We speak.

This is what happened:

That was not his dog he just started tagging along until the others started being aggressive towards him. He swung at the dog’s because they were getting too close.

Can you imagine me wrestling that dog into the truck, chasing that old black man, (I’m white) to give him his dog that he was trying to get away from?

So today, …. Do you see the post, “This is For You”

I did what it said and wrote the address to that same post.

It was not welcomed. I don’t know if she even smelled the “Rose.” I don’t think she even touched it until she gave it back to me.

She has no idea what was behind it, she never read the message, but it doesn’t matter because it wasn’t received. It was not a blessing.

God uses my personal experiences to show me something.

The first scenario…. Is a picture of God wanting to help but we are so independent and afraid that without realizing it in our self will we are shouting at Him, to leave us alone.

The second scenario is to remind me that just because I think I see what’s going on and all I’m trying to do is help, to remember this day, because I could be chasing someone down to give them something that they don’t want.

Third scenario; Many teaching points in this one.

A. A thing should be done when I think of it and not wait because the affect may take on a different aroma.

B. Be aware that God may be trying to gift you something and you do  not recognize it.

C. See: God is still using you to give messages even when you don’t know it.

Depart from fear, anxiety and depression.  I have come a very long way, I passed this test even if I didn’t come out smelling like a rose.

There is also something very deep and profound about the Rose, the story, the glass.

The Rose came from a rose bush that is all that remains of my mom’s flower garden. The area is way overgrown with Farrell bushes and I had forgotten about the Rose bush that had been there. I saw only one thorny stem that had made its way through the choker vines and grew up to produce this beautiful flower. When I saw it, it reminded me of mom and it was like she was saying, that even after she’s been long gone, her efforts are still producing fruit.

After mom left, I pretty much relied on Marsha to give me that outlet to share and bless as mom did, she would have either looked at it as to say, why are you giving me a cup of rose petals? I could have shared with her where they came from, and she would have found the beauty in that. Or she would have been taken with the simplicity, beauty and fragrance. She would have said that’s so pretty, and taken it and smelled deeply and said, “that smells so good, where did ya get that Tam.?”  And I would have told her as she enjoyed a bonbon.

The thing is, that’s a pretty hefty load to ask of someone. I may be feeling nostalgic, lonesome, sad, grieved hurt even, but I can’t silently hope that someone will help make the pain go away. No one could laugh like Mamma or Marsha. No one. No one could appreciate or be thrilled with my concoctions or ingenuity like my mom was.😂 And no one was as beautiful as Marsha. When I was coming up, I wanted to be where she was and later after she married Randy, who was the only person ever to have tucked me in and kiss me goodnight, I would make things for her.

I just miss them and Sandra and Randy.

But to try and do what I was trying to do would be unfair to anyone and hurt again in the end.

There was a God lessen in that too.

All of my life He has chastised me over the fear of man.

That day, I stood up. That day I stood. Silently, listening, seeing. I stood.

No regret for I did what I felt I should have. I understand, not knowing the reason, why it would have looked weird. I didn’t plan on her not knowing what was behind it all. But I did what I felt I should do.

God can give us blessings on every corner at every turn, but we may reject it before we even know what is inside.

We think we see, we think we know, and we immediately reject what we think “it” is.

The whole time God just wants to bless us.

 

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The Windows of Time

The windows of time are closed, but the view stays the same. Seasons come and seasons go but nothing ever changes.Deep inside my heart and soul, lay the words my daddy said, rooted like a bitter, often I wish I were dead. The wonders of time close, BUT THE SEASONS NEVER CHANGE. Locked in the bitter cold ……

Locked in time, an eight year old not believing, what’s in her head..
Dear God, can life really be so mean so cruel …
It can not be…. pushed away, pushed away, pushed away.
Locked deep inside, I can not fathom what I see.
Shhh.. don’t speak, don’t say a word, don’t breathe, maybe the monsters won’t know your here.
I hate the night time, darkness closing in, the shadows, the hauntinfs, the night mares, will it ever end.
I can’t wait until morning, where I can see around. Then I drift off to sleep for a half hour when my mom comes around.
Get up, it’s time for school..
I can barely lift head. Then with a belt across my naked Continue reading

I’m Scared

I’ve been out of work for a month now, I wasn’t making ends meet as it was. I have PTSD, severe, complex and severe anxiety.. which, it all goes together. I now owe three months on my truck, my house payment is due, the light bill is late, the internet bill is late, my Aussies need their monthly medication, and so do I. My anti anxiety medicine, I have one more day on it.. then it will be the zoloft, the wellbutrin which are anti depressants and my two blood pressure medicines, complicated my an upper aorta aneurysm. Last time it was checked was at 4.4 … 2 years ago.. I owe them too, cant afford it.

My arm and back and neck hurts, stress related muscle spasms. I know that my God is bigger than all of this. But I just wanted to tell anyone that might be listening… I am shaking, and I am scared.

I am so talented, gifted and skilled, yet I can not seem to get a job that will pay my bills. I can’t seem to find anyone that will move in with me and it be a platonic relationship. Someone who will help with the bills, not take away from my resources. I thought of posting a video on you tube about the causes of my post traumatic stress, and how it has effected me my entire life. it would be a 12 hour documentary about child abuse, neglect, cruelty, rejection and molestation. Murder, cover up, and something that goes into this slot that I can’t even begin to put a word for. then the years following, each traumatic experience compounded by the ones before adding to the feelings of insignificance and not wanting to be on this planet. People are cruel.that’s just the first 14 years of my life.

This helped. I’m not hurting as bad, or shaking as bad and lo and behold, the sun has even started to come out.

I was told by a prophet that everything that I went thru as a child will be used to help other children. God help me, so I can help them. I have been holding on all of these years for that purpose. I really don’t know how this will end. Maybe I should go take a bath and begin to tell my story—- to the world.

Tammy Ricks… that’s why I don’t like that name, it has a record, a history, a background, family, people.

Jamie Peters owes no one anything and she can be who she is without voices in her past invading her future.

To Write or not to Write, that is the question

Have you ever been hungry for something and you just didn’t know what it was.? So you go to the kitchen and discover whatever is in there and settle on something to eat, but it just doesn’t fill that gap, that craving. So then you just begin to eat what ever you see trying to satisfy that craving.

That’s what I’ve been doing with my writing. I am out of work, concerned about that and say to myself that I don’t have time to write and yet I spend hours on the internet answering people’s blogs or questions of whom I have never met.  Such as..

“Does God still love me even though I am gay?”

“Does anyone on here have flashbacks?” ” anger triggers”

“Do you have to believe in the deity of Christ to be a christian?” …  what, i got off that sight after 2 pages of dialogue.

Lets see… Uh.. “How do you feel about ‘ex- homosexuals?”  Then you have the love diaries of people that just want someone to talk to and present it as a problem. They don’t want you really to help them out, they just want you to be wrapped up in their world.

I was on a sight for those who suffer from depression… after about 2 weeks, I had to excuse myself for self preservation, it was too depressing.

I was on a sight specifically for ENFP …. that is a type of personality. Wow, that was amazing. That was my favorite one, like the one for people who have ADD.. you relate to everything, it was awesome, they were all my soul mates, until the threads started turning distastefully dirty, and sexual in content. I got off of that one too.

Yet I tell myself that I don’t  have the time to write and I spend all day answering posts that I am very familiar with. “How do you handle your family when they disapprove of your lifestyle?”

How did you come to grips with your faith and your sexuality?

Do you still grieve over the loss of a loved one?

How do you handle prejudice and bigotry in the work place?

How did your family take it when you came out?

How does PTSD affect your life today?

Do you think that you have ever been passed over for a promotion because you are a woman?

What is the Holy Spirit and Speaking in tongues?

I don’t think you are over your ex..

Wow… this is only half o it and if I had put them all together, I would already have a book.

So I ask myself this question. Why, after all of these years of being quiet, do you feel you need to come out and speak up?

My Answer.. For the Love of God and the reputation of His Name.

For the Love of people who are so sideswiped.

For every person, student or child, who suffers.

To bridge the gap between our present state and our future.

To have a bride that is without spot or wrinkle.

To Break the Silence.