The Windows of Time

The windows of time are closed, but the view stays the same. Seasons come and seasons go but nothing ever changes.Deep inside my heart and soul, lay the words my daddy said, rooted like a bitter, often I wish I were dead. The wonders of time close, BUT THE SEASONS NEVER CHANGE. Locked in the bitter cold ……

Locked in time, an eight year old not believing, what’s in her head..
Dear God, can life really be so mean so cruel …
It can not be…. pushed away, pushed away, pushed away.
Locked deep inside, I can not fathom what I see.
Shhh.. don’t speak, don’t say a word, don’t breathe, maybe the monsters won’t know your here.
I hate the night time, darkness closing in, the shadows, the hauntinfs, the night mares, will it ever end.
I can’t wait until morning, where I can see around. Then I drift off to sleep for a half hour when my mom comes around.
Get up, it’s time for school..
I can barely lift head. Then with a belt across my naked Continue reading

I’m Scared

I’ve been out of work for a month now, I wasn’t making ends meet as it was. I have PTSD, severe, complex and severe anxiety.. which, it all goes together. I now owe three months on my truck, my house payment is due, the light bill is late, the internet bill is late, my Aussies need their monthly medication, and so do I. My anti anxiety medicine, I have one more day on it.. then it will be the zoloft, the wellbutrin which are anti depressants and my two blood pressure medicines, complicated my an upper aorta aneurysm. Last time it was checked was at 4.4 … 2 years ago.. I owe them too, cant afford it.

My arm and back and neck hurts, stress related muscle spasms. I know that my God is bigger than all of this. But I just wanted to tell anyone that might be listening… I am shaking, and I am scared.

I am so talented, gifted and skilled, yet I can not seem to get a job that will pay my bills. I can’t seem to find anyone that will move in with me and it be a platonic relationship. Someone who will help with the bills, not take away from my resources. I thought of posting a video on you tube about the causes of my post traumatic stress, and how it has effected me my entire life. it would be a 12 hour documentary about child abuse, neglect, cruelty, rejection and molestation. Murder, cover up, and something that goes into this slot that I can’t even begin to put a word for. then the years following, each traumatic experience compounded by the ones before adding to the feelings of insignificance and not wanting to be on this planet. People are cruel.that’s just the first 14 years of my life.

This helped. I’m not hurting as bad, or shaking as bad and lo and behold, the sun has even started to come out.

I was told by a prophet that everything that I went thru as a child will be used to help other children. God help me, so I can help them. I have been holding on all of these years for that purpose. I really don’t know how this will end. Maybe I should go take a bath and begin to tell my story—- to the world.

Tammy Ricks… that’s why I don’t like that name, it has a record, a history, a background, family, people.

Jamie Peters owes no one anything and she can be who she is without voices in her past invading her future.

To Write or not to Write, that is the question

Have you ever been hungry for something and you just didn’t know what it was.? So you go to the kitchen and discover whatever is in there and settle on something to eat, but it just doesn’t fill that gap, that craving. So then you just begin to eat what ever you see trying to satisfy that craving.

That’s what I’ve been doing with my writing. I am out of work, concerned about that and say to myself that I don’t have time to write and yet I spend hours on the internet answering people’s blogs or questions of whom I have never met.  Such as..

“Does God still love me even though I am gay?”

“Does anyone on here have flashbacks?” ” anger triggers”

“Do you have to believe in the deity of Christ to be a christian?” …  what, i got off that sight after 2 pages of dialogue.

Lets see… Uh.. “How do you feel about ‘ex- homosexuals?”  Then you have the love diaries of people that just want someone to talk to and present it as a problem. They don’t want you really to help them out, they just want you to be wrapped up in their world.

I was on a sight for those who suffer from depression… after about 2 weeks, I had to excuse myself for self preservation, it was too depressing.

I was on a sight specifically for ENFP …. that is a type of personality. Wow, that was amazing. That was my favorite one, like the one for people who have ADD.. you relate to everything, it was awesome, they were all my soul mates, until the threads started turning distastefully dirty, and sexual in content. I got off of that one too.

Yet I tell myself that I don’t  have the time to write and I spend all day answering posts that I am very familiar with. “How do you handle your family when they disapprove of your lifestyle?”

How did you come to grips with your faith and your sexuality?

Do you still grieve over the loss of a loved one?

How do you handle prejudice and bigotry in the work place?

How did your family take it when you came out?

How does PTSD affect your life today?

Do you think that you have ever been passed over for a promotion because you are a woman?

What is the Holy Spirit and Speaking in tongues?

I don’t think you are over your ex..

Wow… this is only half o it and if I had put them all together, I would already have a book.

So I ask myself this question. Why, after all of these years of being quiet, do you feel you need to come out and speak up?

My Answer.. For the Love of God and the reputation of His Name.

For the Love of people who are so sideswiped.

For every person, student or child, who suffers.

To bridge the gap between our present state and our future.

To have a bride that is without spot or wrinkle.

To Break the Silence.