speaking up

After 40 yrs. of wandering in the wilderness, I have decided its is time to speak up and speak out. I am a Christian and I am gay–but because of the  treatment received when I was in my teens and early 20’s, I had learned it was easier to keep my mouth shut. I never wanted to be a spokesman for gay rights, I actually until two yrs. ago spoke in Churches– mainstream, very conservative churches. I just lost my partner to the fear of man and it was the most beautiful relationship I never could imagine could exist here on earth under God’s blessing, and direct mission statement– Love her to Me.
Though I have lost her to society and have no hopes of her choosing me over her life that she has known… it has forced me to realize that I have helped create the situation by keeping silent. I speak out on Child abuse and domestic violence and preach that if we turn our heads and pretend its not happening — we are just as guilty as the one inflicting the pain… In that case, I am just as guilty as the self righteous, close minded, bigoted homophobic, because I was afraid to speak up. I have caused my own scenario. So just as the prophets wrote for the future generations– I am beginning to speak up and slowly come out into the Christian community and my family– well– even being celibate still didn’t make me their favorite guest at holiday gatherings.. Being celibate– all that did was make me isolated and very alone not to mention miserable. Christians are supposed to be happy, but it is much like, though the slaves legally were free from one master– they still had to put up with daily treatment of being out in society. So even though God has more than accepted us as we are and loves us and we are a part of His Kingdom..
Full citizens with full rights, we still have to deal with the harassment of the devil, and often times that comes from those within the church.
It is time to put my heel on the devil’s head, its time to make ready the Bride of Christ– there is too much hatred and bigotry and self righteousness within the Church for her to be ready.. I was called to preach at the age of four—- then I was told that I couldn’t because women were to be silent. I got past that one at the age of 29—- but I never stepped fully into ministry full time because I was gay. Finally I realize—well Graham Cooke said it best when he commented that the very thing that the enemy has used against you is like a shining a light on the area where God wants to use you.
I had a dream one time that I was asleep on the couch and this thing like a ninja out of cartoon came, I said,”I’ve been waiting for you.” He jumped on me with a pair of sheers like for trimming shrubs, but he was holding the end with  the blades and had the handles open over/in my mouth so that I could not speak but the handles were on my end. With the heel of my hand I knocked him back and it was like there was nothing to him– like he was a bag of air– it was so easily knocked off of me. His eyes got big like he was terrified and he ran out of the door. I looked at the sheers and the Lord made me realize that if we don’t use our weapons of warfare which are spiritual– gifts– what is meant for us to use will be used against us.. WE have to get a handle on what we are here to do. In my case I was meant to speak up and because of decades of silence– I am just as guilty as the ones rageing against us. The Sheer truth is – God made us all—- we can not help who we fall in love with, Love comes from God – not Satan– I am talking about Love not just out to get what you want sex– that is a perversion of God’s intention- I am talking- will die for you love–that kind of LOve comes from God.
One time God gave me the Scripture that I was His war club for battle, another time He gave the Scripture that I was His Joshua to make ready the Children of Israel to cross over into the promised land, another time He gave me that from my mother’s womb He has set me apart and called me a prophet to the nations… He has confirmed His Word to me over and over again. It took a woman, in the church and she being a symbol of the bride of Christ, for me to take up my cross and follow Him…. we must rid ourselves of the hatred, prejudices and I am telling you, If you are not straight– God loves you and He wants a relationship with you as much as you want a relationship with someone here on earth– He would die for you to be with Him– oh wait- He already did.
And the fundamentalist—if you want to take to the legalism side of the law– be prepared to obey the whole law of the old testament.
But I must say to you broadly, everyone– I did not think that I could minister and be in an active gay relationship– but I was wronG.. I WAS WRONG.
Just as I have given myself to Him and He to me– I questioned what I was hearing for a long time.
He confirmed it again and again, I must tell you that when we finally accepted that this was God- it was the most beautiful relationship I never knew could exist. WE had a Spiritual connection, a heart connection, a mind connection and then a physical connection– it was beyond words. I have never felt so whole, so at peace, so complete and blessed by God as I was with her.
We had a commitment ceremony for a lifetime— but the reality of her circle finding out was too much to bear and ..Paradise was lost, but it made me accept myself for who I am and for the sake of others it made me want to take the risk to stand up- even with a target on my back and speak out against the tide of humanity that would curse us. Stand up in the face of religious leaders and say— you’re wrong. WE have been so afraid of the faces of man– we have turned our backs on the true God– the One who created us and desires us so that He would pay our debt for us. That He is faithful even when we are not faithful.
Only by denying Christ will He deny us. The day you start putting clauses and buts in His Word as You have interpreted and stand in the way of others coming to Christ– you have made yourself a stumbling block and you have tried to make salvation depend on works– I rest in KNowing That Jesus Christ – the Son of The Living God was and is enough– His Word is in me – His Truth is In me- His Spirit is in me and His Strength is in me. I found this through following Him, not seeking my own will, but desiring to please Him– what Pleases Him? Faith. What Glorifies Him– His creation glorifies Him by being, growing, blossoming, producing fruit, singing. A bird, a tree, a dog,
a child, true love glorifies Him– just being what it was created to be. And I will honor Him the day I stand up in the face fear of man and Honor God by Speaking forth His Truth.

6 comments on “speaking up

  1. I believe this is your time to answer His call! Thank you for sharing your heart on this page. There is SO much Truth spoken here it is incredibly inspiring! THANK YOU!

    • Im trying to break out of this mold that society has shaped me into.. I liked myself alot better when I was a child and didn’t know what a girl could..should or could not do…join my fb page which my real name is Tammy Ricks…Dublin Ga…diorama artist…ive been asked where Jamie came from…people sometimes mishear when I sam my name..so I kept the James after Jesus’ brother…and the famous put action to Your words…faith to move mountains always csrries a pick…if Im in the middle of a lake pray and row…
      Peter…the Lord said..tell Peter when He returns to strengthen his brothers.

  2. You have a very strong and convincing voice. Your writing is such a powerful mixture of truth and pain in suffering. I believe more than ever that our attractions here on earth are no mistake. God uses the very things we struggle with most, to bring Him the most glory. He is also the righteous Judge and has already judged our sins at His own Son’s expense. That makes me free to ignore others judgmental statements so I can focus on the Kingdom work. I am here with you, sister. I’m creeping out little by little. When I’m 100 years old no one will give a damn if I run down the streets shouting, “I’m a bisexual!” I will be so normal they will all think I’m crazy! (Actually, at that age, I’m sure I will be!)

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