To Write or not to Write, that is the question

Have you ever been hungry for something and you just didn’t know what it was.? So you go to the kitchen and discover whatever is in there and settle on something to eat, but it just doesn’t fill that gap, that craving. So then you just begin to eat what ever you see trying to satisfy that craving.

That’s what I’ve been doing with my writing. I am out of work, concerned about that and say to myself that I don’t have time to write and yet I spend hours on the internet answering people’s blogs or questions of whom I have never met.  Such as..

“Does God still love me even though I am gay?”

“Does anyone on here have flashbacks?” ” anger triggers”

“Do you have to believe in the deity of Christ to be a christian?” …  what, i got off that sight after 2 pages of dialogue.

Lets see… Uh.. “How do you feel about ‘ex- homosexuals?”  Then you have the love diaries of people that just want someone to talk to and present it as a problem. They don’t want you really to help them out, they just want you to be wrapped up in their world.

I was on a sight for those who suffer from depression… after about 2 weeks, I had to excuse myself for self preservation, it was too depressing.

I was on a sight specifically for ENFP …. that is a type of personality. Wow, that was amazing. That was my favorite one, like the one for people who have ADD.. you relate to everything, it was awesome, they were all my soul mates, until the threads started turning distastefully dirty, and sexual in content. I got off of that one too.

Yet I tell myself that I don’t  have the time to write and I spend all day answering posts that I am very familiar with. “How do you handle your family when they disapprove of your lifestyle?”

How did you come to grips with your faith and your sexuality?

Do you still grieve over the loss of a loved one?

How do you handle prejudice and bigotry in the work place?

How did your family take it when you came out?

How does PTSD affect your life today?

Do you think that you have ever been passed over for a promotion because you are a woman?

What is the Holy Spirit and Speaking in tongues?

I don’t think you are over your ex..

Wow… this is only half o it and if I had put them all together, I would already have a book.

So I ask myself this question. Why, after all of these years of being quiet, do you feel you need to come out and speak up?

My Answer.. For the Love of God and the reputation of His Name.

For the Love of people who are so sideswiped.

For every person, student or child, who suffers.

To bridge the gap between our present state and our future.

To have a bride that is without spot or wrinkle.

To Break the Silence.

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The silence is deafening.

I am as Christendom calls it, born again, no doubt, I believe that Jesus christ is the Son of God and when He said that He came to fulfill the law and the prophets– He did.

When He said that it was finished, it was.

When He said that whosoever believes shall be saved– I am a whosoever.

I was called to preach at the age of four– Yes- God still speaks today. I have visions and dreams and He is constantly giving me messages.

Today Marks a New Beginning. He- Father God – told me in 2002 that the day that I got over the name of my earthly father– who was always so protective of his name and feared being shamed, who beat me with the words, “People will think….”

I could never please him, I was neither a boy to carry on his family name or a girl that enjoyed being the lesser simply because I was a girl and I should love to be subservient because that’s how God made us– to marry have children and please our husbands. He explained that my only worth was first of all my daddy and his value until I got married, so marry well because the worth of my husband would be the sum of my value.

At twelve yrs old, I knew that I could never please him, I was doomed. I couldn’t change the fact that I was a girl, but I was a daddy’s girl. He was a contractor, I loved going with him on the job sites. My brothers didn’t.. I loved working with my hands, my brothers hated it–I loved cutting grass and making forts, building tree houses, playing basketball, softball, football (until I reached puberty and even my own team tackled me– that was the end of my football playing days.)

I liked cowboys, wanted to be one, horses, animals, playing in the dirt, I liked big Jim not Barbie, I played house but I was always the husband.I just wasn’t anything that my dad wanted in a girl. I was everything he wanted in a son, but I wasn’t his son.

Everything, anything I ever wanted to do– he was against it. One day after continuing on his beloved BBQ business, he called me drunk and upset because I had bought a southern pride cooker– the one that he had custom made for himself just did not work for me, so I bought one that did. I only took over the business so it wouldn’t close down, that was his baby not mine, I’m a minister– even though I would not be ordained because he had said that women were not to preach– I knew that would be a slap in his face, so after completing Bible College with recognitions– I came back to my beloved family–putting off a job as youth minister and curriculum author– to keep the bbq place going. So daddy calls cussing me out,

Mamma was standing there as well as a few other people and he said over the phone that I was going to ruin the bbq with that cooker– amongst other things he had said.. I just couldn’t take no more– I was in my 30’s.. I said sobbing– “daddy, nothing I do is right for you I might as well blow my brains out…” He said, “You got that Damn Right!”

I was broken– I had turned aside from the calling on my life in order to keep my dad’s dream alive– and he just said…

You see I wanted to be a preacher– he said I couldn’t

I wanted to be a vet, he said no one would take their damn dog to gd woman.

He found me playing the guitar in the middle of the night and told me that it would be better used for firewood.

I joined the army– He called me a disgrace and a bitch.

I left the army- My sister said I was going to be the death of him.

I had a manufacturing job and was a meth addict, drank too much and had many affairs…He said that I had it made.

God delivered me of all of my addictions instantly and felt so strongly God tapping me on the shoulder asking me what would it take for me to follow hIM AND DO WHAT i WAS BORN TO DO—PREACH FORTH HIS WORD.

I quit my job, went home, and applied for a bible college in California. He said that I was crazy and that God would not call me to leave my family and my job to go clear across the country. But He did, and I did.

So back to… its the Mark of a new Day..

The Lord spoke to me and said the day that I got over the image of my dad’s name — I would step into the ministry He has given me birth for and put on a new mantle.

I’m putting on that Mantle.