To Write or not to Write, that is the question

Have you ever been hungry for something and you just didn’t know what it was.? So you go to the kitchen and discover whatever is in there and settle on something to eat, but it just doesn’t fill that gap, that craving. So then you just begin to eat what ever you see trying to satisfy that craving.

That’s what I’ve been doing with my writing. I am out of work, concerned about that and say to myself that I don’t have time to write and yet I spend hours on the internet answering people’s blogs or questions of whom I have never met.  Such as..

“Does God still love me even though I am gay?”

“Does anyone on here have flashbacks?” ” anger triggers”

“Do you have to believe in the deity of Christ to be a christian?” …  what, i got off that sight after 2 pages of dialogue.

Lets see… Uh.. “How do you feel about ‘ex- homosexuals?”  Then you have the love diaries of people that just want someone to talk to and present it as a problem. They don’t want you really to help them out, they just want you to be wrapped up in their world.

I was on a sight for those who suffer from depression… after about 2 weeks, I had to excuse myself for self preservation, it was too depressing.

I was on a sight specifically for ENFP …. that is a type of personality. Wow, that was amazing. That was my favorite one, like the one for people who have ADD.. you relate to everything, it was awesome, they were all my soul mates, until the threads started turning distastefully dirty, and sexual in content. I got off of that one too.

Yet I tell myself that I don’t  have the time to write and I spend all day answering posts that I am very familiar with. “How do you handle your family when they disapprove of your lifestyle?”

How did you come to grips with your faith and your sexuality?

Do you still grieve over the loss of a loved one?

How do you handle prejudice and bigotry in the work place?

How did your family take it when you came out?

How does PTSD affect your life today?

Do you think that you have ever been passed over for a promotion because you are a woman?

What is the Holy Spirit and Speaking in tongues?

I don’t think you are over your ex..

Wow… this is only half o it and if I had put them all together, I would already have a book.

So I ask myself this question. Why, after all of these years of being quiet, do you feel you need to come out and speak up?

My Answer.. For the Love of God and the reputation of His Name.

For the Love of people who are so sideswiped.

For every person, student or child, who suffers.

To bridge the gap between our present state and our future.

To have a bride that is without spot or wrinkle.

To Break the Silence.

sad

Since no one knows who I am I can say anything that I want and be truthful about it and not care what someone might think of me or the domino effect it might have so here it goes.

I went to church today hoping to find others like me.

There was nothing wrong with the church, but I left feeling empty and sad.

I just knew that God would hook me up with some fellow sojourners of truth.

I have a problem with sadness, loneliness and just plain out not being able to share with anyone– just being alone. 

I have recently lost my partner, my dog, my plans for the future all in one month and I do not have anyone to turn to.

I can’t call her and tell her that I feel so betrayed, broken, devastated, blindsighted and worthless after a commitment ceremony– pledging a lifetime together in God with one another.

After telling me she would keep me, after saying this was so unbelievable to be this happy, in love, at peace, “silky peace” she calls it. God had brought us together– beyond our understanding and comprehension of it all. To know that God had called us together to this work of spreading God’s love to others and sharing His miracle of Grace and Truth and yes this is of God. We had never felt so close to God and at the same time one another– so deep== so deep in love.

We split, not because of belief, not because of a bad relationship but because she at 63 yrs old could not allow her circle of friends and family know what an intimate relationship we had. It was fine as long as I worked out of town, we had plans– we would go into the antique business and flipping houses. We would also spread God’s love and share our story because it was the most remarkable beautiful love story never told. 

I had just bought a truck and a 20 foot cargo trailer to haul stuff– neither had a tag yet. 2 dogs and a plan for the next 6 mos… I had a job in NY– where I am now..she would stay at the house where all of her stuff is and mine– we would make it our home, my niece would stay there to take care of the dogs so Victoria wouldn’t feel tied down or be alone. 

We pull up into the yard, she says that she is going to her brothers in another state for a few days…. calls me 4 days later to tell me its over she can’t do it- live two lives, but she couldn’t tell her kids so that means– I’m out and ……………………………………..

 

I am devastated. My dog died. I’m sending my niece money — I’m broke until the company snail mails my paycheck to the bank— I’m hurt, I’m lonely, and since you can’t find me I will say exactly how I feel…. I wish that I could take a knife and cut my heart and guts out because that would feel better than this.

I don’t think I have enough nerve pills until I get home– when they start wearing off– I go off on the deep end– which is where I am now– I have another 45 minutes before I can take one. Even at that I am taking four a day and not three— I think I took six on the day that my dog died.

But Victoria, she expects me to just be able to talk to her like nothing has happened– which makes me feel like trash. I left a life of celibacy to be with her– only her– to throw that away, not only crushes me to the soul but also makes it into an affair which I told her I would not have, I would only be in a committed relationship—–She made me a  whore. That’s how I feel.

Then I turn to God knowing everything is relevant– So is that how His Bride treats Him?

As soon as there is an issue involved that might make us lose face– do we turn our backs on Him, knowing He loves us anyway and understands,, but do we crush Him when He asks us to be so in love with Him that nothing else matters. Public opinion doesn’t matter. Can we say in the face of a crowd this is what I believe and this is the relationship I have with my God- or do we turn and run away because we can not bear the faces of men?

We who are Christians, do we really love Him so that if our family kicked us out or burned us at the stake—- are we so in love with Him that we have revolutionary LOve like Jesus.

In third world countries today– people are daily risking their lives because they live in non Christian cultures. Automatically I think of a young man I met on train named David from Jordan. He had converted to Christianity. He left his home before they killed him. It was well known mothers would poison their own children. I do not remember, it was so long ago , if he had been warned or if he just generally feared for his life, but he left and found his way to America where I met him on a train going to Philadelphia- to NY.

God often lets me go through things to let me get a small glimpse of how He feels. He is hurting, because His people who are called by His name has turned their very back on the love of God for the love of the Law and the approval of man.

He is hurting because of the cries in the street, that are seldom heard because we, I, choose to shut our eyes to the injustices because there are so many.

He is hurting for every child, woman, boy or girl who feels they have no way out.

He is Hurting because we take our institutions and build them with pride and ivory, while the beggar goes hungry on the street.

He is hurting because it is easier to close our eyes and keep our mouth shut than to become a target of ridicule for standing up against the tide of humanity and saying what right and pointing out what’s wrong.

He is hurting because mainstream Christianity has given Him a Bad name.

His Name is Love— and everything you do should be motivated by love.

If you are motivated by fear— guess what—- you are following the voice of darkness, confusion, rage.

Follow Peace my Friend, love everybody– you know the only people Jesus raged against were the religious leaders because they had made a mockery out of God’s will and turned it into such a burden no one could carry.

Our biggest task on this earth is to share the love of God which has been birthed in us. 

A friend of mine that had turned his 17 yr old daughter out because of a relationship she was having. I told him that I was glad that God’s love was unconditional. He said what does love look like…… too late I heard it in a song… what does love look like? He opened His arms and died.

Love is self sacrificing it doesn’t keep a record of wrongs.

I was in a lady’s Christian meeting one time and a child prophetess walked up to me and whispered into my ear— “God wants you to know that you have not failed Him yet.”

I sat down and thought,”How sweet for her to say that– if she only knew the life I lived before.”

Then God spoke to me. “When, when did you fail?” 

And I realized, “He doesn’t remember, as far as the east is to the west so have I cast your sins far from me.”  He doesn’t remember. I wept. He is so good.

The silence is deafening.

I am as Christendom calls it, born again, no doubt, I believe that Jesus christ is the Son of God and when He said that He came to fulfill the law and the prophets– He did.

When He said that it was finished, it was.

When He said that whosoever believes shall be saved– I am a whosoever.

I was called to preach at the age of four– Yes- God still speaks today. I have visions and dreams and He is constantly giving me messages.

Today Marks a New Beginning. He- Father God – told me in 2002 that the day that I got over the name of my earthly father– who was always so protective of his name and feared being shamed, who beat me with the words, “People will think….”

I could never please him, I was neither a boy to carry on his family name or a girl that enjoyed being the lesser simply because I was a girl and I should love to be subservient because that’s how God made us– to marry have children and please our husbands. He explained that my only worth was first of all my daddy and his value until I got married, so marry well because the worth of my husband would be the sum of my value.

At twelve yrs old, I knew that I could never please him, I was doomed. I couldn’t change the fact that I was a girl, but I was a daddy’s girl. He was a contractor, I loved going with him on the job sites. My brothers didn’t.. I loved working with my hands, my brothers hated it–I loved cutting grass and making forts, building tree houses, playing basketball, softball, football (until I reached puberty and even my own team tackled me– that was the end of my football playing days.)

I liked cowboys, wanted to be one, horses, animals, playing in the dirt, I liked big Jim not Barbie, I played house but I was always the husband.I just wasn’t anything that my dad wanted in a girl. I was everything he wanted in a son, but I wasn’t his son.

Everything, anything I ever wanted to do– he was against it. One day after continuing on his beloved BBQ business, he called me drunk and upset because I had bought a southern pride cooker– the one that he had custom made for himself just did not work for me, so I bought one that did. I only took over the business so it wouldn’t close down, that was his baby not mine, I’m a minister– even though I would not be ordained because he had said that women were not to preach– I knew that would be a slap in his face, so after completing Bible College with recognitions– I came back to my beloved family–putting off a job as youth minister and curriculum author– to keep the bbq place going. So daddy calls cussing me out,

Mamma was standing there as well as a few other people and he said over the phone that I was going to ruin the bbq with that cooker– amongst other things he had said.. I just couldn’t take no more– I was in my 30’s.. I said sobbing– “daddy, nothing I do is right for you I might as well blow my brains out…” He said, “You got that Damn Right!”

I was broken– I had turned aside from the calling on my life in order to keep my dad’s dream alive– and he just said…

You see I wanted to be a preacher– he said I couldn’t

I wanted to be a vet, he said no one would take their damn dog to gd woman.

He found me playing the guitar in the middle of the night and told me that it would be better used for firewood.

I joined the army– He called me a disgrace and a bitch.

I left the army- My sister said I was going to be the death of him.

I had a manufacturing job and was a meth addict, drank too much and had many affairs…He said that I had it made.

God delivered me of all of my addictions instantly and felt so strongly God tapping me on the shoulder asking me what would it take for me to follow hIM AND DO WHAT i WAS BORN TO DO—PREACH FORTH HIS WORD.

I quit my job, went home, and applied for a bible college in California. He said that I was crazy and that God would not call me to leave my family and my job to go clear across the country. But He did, and I did.

So back to… its the Mark of a new Day..

The Lord spoke to me and said the day that I got over the image of my dad’s name — I would step into the ministry He has given me birth for and put on a new mantle.

I’m putting on that Mantle.